While laying down in the dark & cold night alone on the kitchen floor... cold, uncomfortable, and scattered with body aches, cold sweats, and listening to the wheezing of my breath upon exhale...
I wondered at what point should I tap out and go to the hospital? Should I wake my wife? Should I call an ambulance? Should I drive myself? Would that be the last time I would see my wife? Would I go into the hospital and get intubated only to never wake up again?
Dramatic as shit, I know... lol if you know me I can often be pretty dramatic but honestly, being a medic for over 4 years back in the day I had worked in the OR and ER and I had even intubated people myself so I knew what is what like in the hospital and I did not want to be there as a patient...
In those dark moments my life would flash before my eyes. I wondered if this was the result of all the wrong I had done or maybe some of the bad choices I had made. I was so vulnerable and teary-eyed... so ashamed that it could potentially end like this. I have so much left to do and so many places to go... I have done so much but what is my purpose? What do I have left to show for in my life and what have I contributed to the world? After hours awake with thoughts like this going through my mind, the sun came up and I finally dozed off for a few hours.
It was a life-changing moment and guess what? Just like Groundhog Day the movie, it freaking repeated for days just like that. It's experiences like this that make you toss aside all the bullshit possessions or thoughts of money in life and desire only one thing... a chance to start over again tomorrow to keep living this oh so frail life.
These quotes moved me during the experience:
"You can’t calm the storm, so stop trying. What you can do is calm yourself. The storm will pass." – Timber Hawkeye
"Man sacrifices his health to make money, then he sacrifices his money to recuperate his health. He is so anxious about the future, that he doesn't enjoy the present. And he lives as if he's never going to die, and then dies having never really lived."
― 14th Dalai Lama Tenzin Gyatso
"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." ― Albert Einstein
“Everything negative – pressure, challenges – is all an opportunity for me to rise.” — Kobe Bryant
“Every moment is a fresh beginning.” —T.S. Eliot
Daily breakdown
Day 01
Originally felt like a sinus infection, cold, or hangover
Doctor virtual visit
Day 02
Lots of resting and beginning to feel fatigued
Sleeping started to become out of balance
Began Mucinex, Pain meds, Steroids', and Antibiotics
Tested for Covid-19
Day 05
Started to get worse and could not sleep that night and the cold sweats kicked in and began to run a low-grade 99.5-degree fever
Day 06
Felt like something was seriously wrong with my body and called the doctor emergency line to figure out my test results, they came back positive and I was relieved but also terrified when I found out
Started losing taste and smell
Fever all-day
Day 07
Felt awful all day and then could not get warm… took a super hot bath and my legs were like ice
Chills, lower back pain, and impossible to get comfortable or sleep at all
Fever all-day
Day 08
Last night was awful and the worse so far, I slept for an hour then woke up with cold legs and sweat all over
Really bad headaches and stomach were bloated, and I feel constipated. My back and neck pain is excruciating as I can get comfortable... I worried I was going to have to go to the hospital
I have congestion in my head and nose
I finally slept from 7 am to 10 am but woke up in pain and dry mouth
When I breathe in there is a tightness and I usually must cough but it hurts
When I am laying down when I breathe out I wheeze a bit
Around 5ish I finally got rid of the fever and chills and went to lay down with my new pillow
99.8-degree low-grade fever
Doctor Appointment – sounded short with me and told me to just push through it, nothing else he could do. Definitely not encouraging to hear...
Day 09-11
Finally slept about 12 hours from 9ish pm to 9ish am. So relieved to get some rest but woke up out of it and groggy which makes sense due to no sleep forever.
Took a 3 or 4-hour nap and ate as much as I could
So far, no fever or chills today.
My body has given up and needs a lot of sleep
Bedtime around 9:30 pm
Day 12 – Current
My schedule and body are so off it's super challenging to get back into the groove or any kind of routine.
Walks and sunlight feel good but I have to do them every other day to rest
Still meditating and researching breathing exercises to recover
My mind wants to go 100 miles an hour but my body does not
My eyes and back hurt from staring at the computer all day since I'm not used to it
Main Symptoms Almost the Entire Time
Ringing ears, depression, waves of energy depletion & anxiety, chest pain and tightness, congestion everywhere, migraines, neck pain, shoulder pain, severe back pain, brief numbness and tingling extremities, burning eyes, low-grade fever, loss of smell and taste, coughing, wheezing
Things that helped
My jeans seam to help with cold and clammy legs and anything else made me sweat too much.
Warm baths or showers with Epsom salt and eucalyptus were mostly the only things that helped
Melatonin with a Naproxen at night for sleep
Every 6 to 8 hours Tylenol 650mg with Ibuprofen in between if needed
Mucinex DM every 12 hours
Antibiotic / Steroids
Heating Pad for Back
Doing anything to take my mind off it and destress like movies or music but couldn't move much
I hope that this helps someone understand why it is important to be safe and wear masks in public or maybe even help someone get through their own experience. It's one of the most challenging mental things I have been through and I don't see a lot of people sharing that in their stories. I think people should shed light on the mental aspect of Covid.
Hopeful for a 100% recovery and look forward to writing part II. Be safe and much love all!
Helpful Links
This morning I chased the moon
I chased it as it hide behind the horizon line full of dark trees and the unknown
As I ride my bike through the cold darkness
I see & feel my breath
I breath
I breath in
I breath out
In with cold & crisp fresh air deep into my lungs
Breathing in new ideas and challenges
I exhale the pain and sorrow of yesterday
I let go of the past
I sit and watch the sun rise living within each moment it matures
The warmth washes over me like a cloak of happiness and comfort
A new day is just starting and my heart is full
Sitting on the grass listening to the birds chirp and the small waves sooth my soul
I watched as the daylight tore through the morning sky in shades of strawberry rose and tangerine.
I am moved as I get yet another opportunity to witness the birth of a new day.
